| Hello Again! It's Time To Move On... |
[Aug. 25th, 2006|01:52 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  content | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Jeff Buckley | ] |
Wow! It has been some time since I have last updated this thing.
My time away has been great, and much appreciated. I didn't really go anywhere, just stayed in good 'ol Rancho Cucamonga, but I took time to sort things out. It would be a lie to say that I was not really depressed; my previous entries show that pretty well. After, taking the time, I feel so much better. I have seriously grown so much in just the last couple of months, the last couple of weeks even. I continue growing and learning each day.
I love my brother, Kevin, so much. He has helped me to grow. We have grown together. He believes in me, and supports me. I am very lucky to have him in my life. I am so proud of him as of late, he is getting to where he wants to be. He has big goals that he is on his way to meeting. We have very much the same outlook on life, and have both been removing negative influences from our lives. We have experienced some pretty bad things in our lives, yet we wouldn't change a single thing about our pasts. We both agree that the troubling experiences in life, the pain, is what makes you who you are. These things make you stronger, you just have to decide to learn from them instead of letting them bring you down. We're trying to get our mom to join in on the way we look at life, but I think that it will take some time longer. She has recently found out some things about her chilhood that she seemingly blocked out. These things are extremely troubling for her, and she doesn't know how to deal with them. Kevin and I have been telling her that since it has not affected her life so far, why let it now. We tried being nice about it, but the only way to get it through to her is to tell her to shut up and listen to you, you have to be a bit harsh with her. That's what we did, we told her how it is. At the time, she said that we were wrong, and that she won't be able to deal with what she found out, but now I think she may be getting it. After she told us what she was told, we were a bit shocked, but stood by our word. She'll come around, I know she will.
Things are moving forward in my life, and it is up to me to keep the momentum going. I got a new SLR recently, which I am extremely overjoyed about. The inheritance I am getting from my grandpa is helping me to do things I never thought possible, like buying the camera. My mom's lawsuit is finally settled, and that will allow us all to move on. We may even be moving. I think that I thought for so long that if I wanted change, and tried for it that it would just come. But, of course, that is not how things work. Everything takes time, and I have finally realized that. I have noticed it throught the changes I have experienced over the past several months. I did, however, want to be where I am now at the time, but it took longer. I am finally there, or almost there. There is no looking back.
I can honestly say that I am ready now. I told Kev that I haven't taken that leap yet because I was scared of the unkown. He told me, "You have to be uncomfortable to get comfortable." It was like, in a way, I knew that already but his saying it finally made it register. I have to put myself in situations that may be unccomfortable now to get to where I want to be. I realized a lot of things when he called me into his room about a week or so ago to listen to something, and we ended up talking for hours. He finally understands where I come from, and I better understand the same about him.
My dad has even become a better, more positive fixture in my life.
I have found one of my favorite places. It inspires me. It is in Corona Del Mar. I took my mom there a couple of weeks ago, and she was pretty blown away. She had no idea where I was taking her. Kevin, my dad, and I found it by accident a couple months ago. It's a coastal bluff that overlooks the ocean. There are jutting, sharp rocks far below that the waves crash into, and it is just beautiful. My mom and I got there when the sun was setting. I took pictures, that I may post at a later date since it is getting late and I would have to upload them off my camera.
I will leave you with a quote from a Tom Petty song that Andrew McMahon referenced in his blog. It seemed funny because it is how I feel at the moment.
"It's time to move on
It’s time to get going
What lies ahead I have no way of knowing
But under my feet, baby
The grass is growing
It's time to move on
It's time to get going"
- - Katy
|
|
|
| And Suddenly I'm back at the beginning |
[Jul. 1st, 2006|12:58 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus | ] |
I need to search within myself for what I really want. I need to go away for a while, just to help this all make sense. I wish I had the right words to say, to make it all ok again. It seems like no matter how hard I try, I still can't save you. It's killing me inside. The smiles have gone from our faces, and there is no longer any trace of the happiness that once was. Please make this hurt just a little less. I want to see you smile again. I want to do so many things, yet I still stay stuck. Almost going in reverse. No one understands me. No one cares to try. I understand me, or at least I'm beginning to, and that is all that matters. If only I knew what to do. But what kind of life would that be? How will I grow? How will I learn? The pain is still held inside. It keeps me going because I don't run and hide. I face it head on. It's time to take chances. I'll be torn down more times than I can count, but that's the risk I must take. Besides at this point you'd think I've become used to it. I find new inspiration in your words. Please let them help me to move on. To get somewhere in life. I'm sick and tired of waiting. Now is the time.
Kevin just got his wisdom teeth pulled on Thursday, and has ran a 103-104 fever and been throwing up since. He's better now. It was scary there for a while. Now it's my turn to get them pulled and this makes me really (not) want to have it done. I have this lump in my arm right above my wrist. God knows what it is. I went to the doctor yesterday, who loved torturing me as she pressed on the lump. All she said at first was "weird. this is weird". No kidding. That is why I am seeing you. I felt like a bitch as I had to repeat things to her several times. Now I have to wear a brace, and get a soft tissue x-ray tomorrow to see what it could be. We figured that whatever it is, it's pushing on nerves because I keep getting these lovely shooting pains up my entire arm and down my fingers. After the doctor was done grinding the hell out of it, my hand was umb and my arm burnt. Best part is my dad doesn't fucking believe me. |
|
|
| A Moment in Time Where It Seems All The Stars Have Aligned |
[Jun. 25th, 2006|12:33 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | hopeful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Cartel | ] |
Earlier tonight I had an epiphany while listening to Angels and Airwaves in the car. It happened while listening to this song.
Start The Machine
The ash set in then blew away
It’s getting lost into the sea
I grew so close to all the thoughts I had to leave forever
I left the chill and voice of screams and kids and ran for shelter
You know I won't say sorry
You know I won't say sorry
The pain has a bad reaction
A blend of fear and passion
You know what it's like to believe
It makes me wanna scream
I see a glow from far away
A faint reflection on the sea
I left some words quite far from here to be a short reminder
I laid them out in stone in case they need to last forever
You know I won't say sorry
You know I won't say sorry
The pain has a bad reaction
A blend of fear and passion
You know what it's like to believe
It makes me wanna scream
I see the stars, they’re in your eyes
A playful kiss, can you tell I'm excited?
A fast escape in the nick of time
If you lost your wish, can I help you find it?
I'm on my knee, just one to start
A fresh new start, don't be undecided
If love’s a word, that you say
Then say it, I will listen
If love’s a word, that you say
Then say it, I will listen
If love’s a word, that you say
Then say it, I will listen
If love’s a word, that you say
Then say it, I will listen
If love’s a word, that you say
Then say it, I will listen
If love’s a word, that you say
Then say it, I will listen (I will listen)
There I was just sitting in the car, less than a minute away from home when it came to me. I don't need anyone but myself to be happy. I read a book a while back that said if you keep experiencing similar situations in your life, then you should take the time to look at them to find the reason why this keeps happening to you, so you could learn from it. I have experienced people screwing me over numerous times, and tonight I realized the lesson I was supposed to learn from that. That I don't really need others. I am strong enough to do things on my own. It's liberating to know that i have the power to make myself happy. It's up to me to do the things that make me happy and to hold on to them. I don't know if this is making any sense, but it's just what came to me.
I hope everyone is doing well,
♥ Katy |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 21st, 2006|01:50 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Paramore | ] |
Well I guess that my dad would rather spend Father's Day with his girlfriend in Sacramento than with his kids here. I didn't really expect much more, I never do from him. It makes my mom sad that I can't have any expectations of my dad, when little does she know that I also no longer have any expectations of her. I've found that whenever I do have expectations, I always end up hurt so what's the point. I just have no expectaions and that way I don't get disappointed.
My brother really wants to take these online courses to get a degree for the music business, so he can do what he has always wanted to. the thing is my mom doesn't have enough money to pay $8000 plus materials fees and the price of a laptop, so he can't do it. He originally asked our dad, who has enough money, but he said no. Screw him. How can you say no to your child's dreams? He has the money and the ability, but, again, he would rather spend the money to pay for flights to go see his lame girlfriend. He also has no faith in my brother that he will actually finish all the courses. He suggested that he go to a community college, but he can't because he has to go on tour in august again. The online schooling would allow him to do his work on the road. I feel so bad for him, but there's nothing I can do.
Today, I got the new UnderOATH CD along with Cute Is What We Aim For's. Kevin came home with the same UnderOATH CD. We both had to go to a couple places to find the special edition with the DVD, and when I did find it it was nearly sold out.
Well, I'm bored and listening to Paramore.
I've been writing a lot which is a good thing, to get all my feelings out.
I guess I'm off to bed. Goodnight ♥ |
|
|
| I can feel the pressure, it's getting closer now |
[Jun. 10th, 2006|01:47 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | amused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Fall Of Troy | ] |
Saturday: My brother, Kevin's, B-Day and the day of my sister's surgery. I went shopping with my mom for presents, late I know but the past couple of weeks were kinda hectic. It was extremely hot and we couldn't find anyhting. Went to lunch with my brother and dad for Kevin's B-Day, went to Best Buy and got some CDs: The Fall of Troy, Minus the Bear, and As Cities Burn. Then we went to go see my sister at the hospital, which was a bit awkward considering the animousity between her and my dad. Went home, watched Date Movie, which wasn't very funny I was kind of dissapointed because I needed a good laugh.
Sunday: When i was getting ready to go to my dad's Kevin asked me if I wanted to go to a show with him the next day, I said yes. I was shocked that he invited me especially since we were going with some of his best friends. Went down to the beach with my dad. The weather was so nice, it was 30 degrees cooler than it was by my house. When I got home at around 6:30, my mom, Kevin, and I went to Buca di Beppo for Kev's B-Day. The food was great and the waiters had the whole room singing Kevin Happy Birthday. I was happy that he had fun.
Monday: Allergist appointment at 10, went to sister's to help out, then went to school from 1:30 to 3:30. Got home and got ready for the show. Kevin's car was packed. The show was great. It was: Classic Case, Showbread, The Fall of Troy, and He is Legend. The Fall Of Troy's guitarist/lead vocalist, Thomas, was amazing. We were tripping on how good he was on the guitar. He would play a riff, record it, and then play another while the other was playing. He was just amazing. The bassist was seriously on something. He kept leaning against his bass amp, barely able to stand up. When he went to go sing, he missed the mic by about a foot. The second time, there wasn't even a mic in it, he just sang to the clip. He was oblivious and it was great. He is Legend was awesome too, the whold floor became a mosh pit. When I got home at about 2, my wisdom teeth hurt like hell, and I pretty much passed out.
These are the great guys that I went to the show with
Red Wire Morning minus 2 of them, Andrew and Sean. I am so proud of them tonight they played with fucking Thrice and Static Lullaby. They play on Sunday at Chain Reaction with Take the Crown. It's weird to see them grow, when I've seen them from the beginning. When we were at the show on Monday, there was a guy there wearing their shirt, it was crazy. Click on the picture to go to their myspace.
The rest of the week was pretty much the same old same.
My mom is getting on my nerves, I don't know how much more I can take.
I hope everyone else had a great week and has a great weekend ♥ |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 1st, 2006|09:04 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  bored | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus | ] |
It's been a while since I've updated. Here's what's been going on:
- I was really sick for a couple of weeks, got antibiotics, and am sick again after just finishing the antibiotics like a week ago. I seriously hate my sinuses at this point.
- No school for two weeks while I was sick.
- I got my haircut finally about a week ago.
- My sister got drunk last Friday, and called me to ask if I still had my crutches. The next day we found out that she broke her ankle in three places. She has to have surgery on Saturday. She's in a lot of pain, and keeps calling me crying because of her pain. She's lonely during the day while her boyfriend is at work, so my mom and I went over yesterday to help her out and keep her company.
- Mother's Day has been put off indefinitely at first because it was while my brother was on tour, then it was my dad's weekend, and now my sister's surgery. My brother's B-Day is this Saturday (the same day as my sister's surgery) so who knows when we will get to celebrate that.
- I became a vegetarian. I haven't eaten red meat for a while, but haven't gone vegetarian because my mom was worried about my nutrition. Meat has become more and more unappetizing as time went on, so I finally just decided to go for it.
- My mom got pneumonia again. Not as bad as last time. At least she isn't in the hospital like last time. She's getting worse,and my brother and I think that it's only an amount of time until she is back in the hospital.
My sister's surgery is pretty identical to the surgery I had on my foot, just different reasons. She has to get screws, pins, and a plate in her ankle. I still think it's weird that I have screws, wires, and a plate in my foot. When I first saw the x-ray after the surgery, I almost passed out. I hope all goes well because she is really afraid of needles, so I'm trying to tell her that the IV isn't bad. Besides, when I had my surgery the doctor gave me something to "relax" which made me REALLY happy. Everything became so mesmerizing. Even the lights above the bed in the OR seemed so cool to me. That must have been some good stuff. My mom keeps telling me not to tell her any bad things about the surgery. She's 23 I think she can handle it. It's funny to see how much my mom is spoiling her since she's been hurt. She has become my mom's first priority, which really pisses me off at times. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 13th, 2006|01:05 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  energetic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Jack's Mannequin | ] |
Long time, no update. I've been really sick this past week or so. Apparently god decided to give me everything at once because I got a sinus infection, tosilitis, and an ear infection. My lymph nodes were so swollen in my neck that I couldn't move it. Well I'm better now.
I'm going through a lonely time right now. I feel like I have no one to talk to, or confide in. I know I have been saying that I'm ready to do all those things I dream of doing, which I am. I guess subconsciously I have been waiting for someone to motivate me, to support me in the endeavor, but no one did. Now I think that I have finally realized that if I want these things then I am the only one that can make them a reality. I guess I have to be my own motivation. I'm afraid of what I don't know, but I just have to keep reminding myself that the possible failure will hurt less than the regret of not doing it at all. I am ready, but I'm just scared and looking for the motivation, which I suppose will have to come from within myself.
I hope that everyone's week went well, and that you all have a great Mother's Day! |
|
|
| out with the old in with the new |
[May. 1st, 2006|12:06 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Red Wire Morning | ] |
The more people I talk to that live near me, the more I realize that it is hard to find real, genuine people around here. Your friends will drop you with no apparent reason, and people are constantly juding others. Last year, I was so wrapped up in all of the drama with friends, but the best thing I ever did was remove myself from that. I was able to look at everyhting from a different perspective, and I realized so many things. I removed all of the negative people from my life, which just so happened to be most of my "friends". It may have been hard to do, but now I am so appreciative that I did it. This past year I have grown so much. I now am more myself than ever before. I used to let all the drama with "friends" bring me down, and I constantly was second-guessing myself, which I absolutely hate. Now, I know who I am. I could really care less what other people think about me now because I know that I like me, in the end that is all that matters. I have been told that I am very accepting of others and their differences. Not everyone is going to like what you like, or do what you do, and rather than fighting over who is right I believe in letting others have their own opinions in return most will let you have your own. I love that we're all entitled to our own opinions. That no two people are exactly alike. I find all the complexities of people interesting, and that you can find something new about a person everyday.
I hope that I will be lucky enough to spend the rest of my life doing what makes me happy. My worst nightmare would be being stuck behind a desk eight hours of the day. I am very expressive, and a part of me would die if I couldn't express myself in some way, shape, or form. In order to turn my hopes into reality, I have to do something about it. I am so sick of saying I want, now it's time to do.
Right now I feel like crap. I feel completely exhausted and my sinuses are killing me. My brother leaves again to go on tour tomorrow, or I guess today. I won't see him for about a month. He's going to have a lot of fun again with all of his friends. The lucky boy went to a super duper secret AFI show at the Henry Fonda Theater on Friday. |
|
|
| Interview |
[Apr. 28th, 2006|04:35 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Down and Out - - The Academy Is... | ] |
1. If you were going to write a movie about yourself what would be the title and who would play you? If I were to write a movie about myself, I would name it "Always up or Down". This is tough, and that's the first thing that came to mind. Thanks TAI. Hmmmm, who would play me?? I've been told that I look like Lindsay Lohan before she got super thin and dyed her hair blonde, but I don't know if I would want her to play me. I don't know.
2. What is your least favorite color? My least favorite color would have to be the color of pea soup. That greenish-brown color just reminds me of puke.
3. Do you prefer night or day? I love the night, but I also love the day. If I had to choose, I would say night. It's so peaceful.
4. Name your favorite TV show. My favorite TV show is Sex and the City. I also love Six Feet Under. It sucks that neither are still on.
5. What month were you born in? I was born in January. January 30th to be exact. |
|
|
| OMG HGB DVD ROTFL! |
[Apr. 22nd, 2006|01:32 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Patrick - - June | ] |
It's been a pretty good week. I have been a lot more positive, and optimistic. I am comfortable with myself now more than ever. I am definitely looking forward to the future. I love the mystery of life. I used to hate it, but now I have come to appreciate it. I love waking up every morning not knowing what will happen that day. I feel like I have wasted a lot of time. I was so set on doing just one thing, and now I have several goals I hope to attain. More than anyhting I want to do what makes me happy. I don't want to be stuck behind a desk all day at a job that I hate. Life is what we make of it. Over the past year, I have learned not to dwell on the past, that we have to let go of our past selves in order to be the person we will become.
I want to move to New York. I have never been out of California, and I am read for a change. I'm especially ready to get away from the abundance of fake people that thrive in southern California. I have always dreamed about living in New York. I don't know. Lately I've just been longing so badly to go there.
Today was a music-filled day.
The Academy Is...
June
HelloGoodBye
The Junior Varsity
Spitafield
Red Wire Morning
Silverstein
Anberlin
The Audition
There's probably more...
It's kind of weird when your dad asks to burn a lot of your cds, at least it is for me. He especially likes Anberlin and The Audition.
I'll end this by saying, I am ready for change. I am looking forward to experiencing more, and am prepared to do what it takes to get where I want to be.
Goodnight loves ♥ |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 17th, 2006|02:35 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | it's dangerous business walking out your...- - Underoath | ] |
Easter was pretty good, just my mom, my brother, and I. My dogs got in a fight again, but I was the only one that got hurt this time. I didn't even realize until I went to the bathroom and saw blood on my chin.
Opening up to people is hard for me due to trust issues I have developed from the past. I have been so much better lately, but it seems that every time I put myself out there I always end up broken-hearted, which makes me want to just crawl back in my shell. The funny thing is that at the point I am in my life, I just feel more comfortable with myself than I ever have before. I'm not sure why. Writing has helped me to confront and deal with the things that cause me pain. It has become a bit of an addiction though, I find myself awake at 4 AM just writing. It's like I can't stop. Before a couple of weeks ago I was unaware that my dad's abuse was still affecting me. I didn't know that I hadn't dealt with it. I knew that it had affected me at the time, but I didn't know that I was still carrying it around.
Speaking of my dad, he went up to see his (ex)girlfriend this weekend. Yes, the one that sent him in a downward spiral. I have no idea why he would see her again. He usually drinks when he is with her, and with him on some pretty hardcore antidepressants the result will not be pretty. I guess she wants him to move up there (Sacramento). She also thinks that my dad is paying too much in alimony and child support, which is absolutely ridiculous. If anyhting, he doesn't pay enough. Besides, that is none of her damn business. I just hope that he doesn't end up back with her, and relapsing. Not that I'm expecting his sobriety to last because it never does.
I feel ambitous lately. With so many ideas running around in my head, maybe too many. I want to do them all, but I just have to figure out how.
Well, I hope everyone had a great Easter!
♥ Katy |
|
|
| "bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same" |
[Apr. 11th, 2006|01:51 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  drained | ] |
Does it make you feel like a man to see her cry, to see her skin turn black and blue courtesy of you? The bruises may have faded and the scars may have healed, but the pain is still here, a constant reminder of the monster that hides inside of you. You can drink until the room goes black, but when you wake it will still be there, your nagging conscience. You hold drink after drink in the hand that caused us so much pain. Left scars on her, scars on my heart, and it's too late to take it back. I may have forgiven you, but I will NEVER forget. I stood between you, begged you to stop. Backed against a wall, there's that hand again only now in my face. What were you thinking? I was so young, not even eight. Now the tears roll down my cheek, staining the page as I remember all that you have done, all the pain you have caused. We thought we were free of you, that you couldn't touch us now, but you still manage to. Digging into her as if she's some kind of punching bag, dumping all your hatred on her. She's more of a man than you will ever be. She's our hero, not you. Who's name does Kevin have tattooed on his wrist? It sure as hell ain't yours. You left an impression on us, this is true, but it was the impression of your hand on her cheek - yes the one that now holds your drinks that help you to forget, but can never fix it. She is responsible for raising us, making us who we are. You can't take responsibility for something you had no part in. You don't know me, you never have. Come to find out you just don't care. Are you happy now as you sit in your empty apartment, sulking in your misery? Are you happy now? Was it worth it? Was it all worth it, just to end up alone? Do you even care? Did you ever care? So many questions left forever to be unanswered. Now as I look up into your eyes - bloodshot, your breath reeking of alcohol as it escapes your lips - I can honestly say that I ashamed to call you Dad. |
|
|
| slowly uphill |
[Apr. 11th, 2006|12:32 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | bored | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | planning a prison break - - the receiving end of sirens | ] |
Things are getting better now. I finished my World History today, so no more history for me! I seriously hate history. My brother is back home, and he had a great time on tour. However, he is leaving agin in about two weeks for a longer tour. Over the weekend I watched the Fall Out Boy DVD and the Underoath DVD, and it is apparent that guys do a lot of stupid (but funny) shit when they get bored on tour. I find it funny that when everything that has happened this past month was going down, things kept popping up reminding me that I wasn't alone. Whether it be hearing someone elses similar experiences, a song that relates to my life, or words of encouragement from people, they all helped me through. I'm ready for a change, to start my life, in the bigger realm of things. I want to cut my hair, but am scared and unsure because my hair is very long (to my waist). I don't know, I'm just ready for a change. I really need to stop procrastinating even if it is what I do best. I don't know how I still manage to get good grades.
Sorry for boring everyone with random thoughts. |
|
|
| and try to forget how it feels inside |
[Apr. 3rd, 2006|11:42 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | my heart is the worst kind of weapon - - Fall Out Boy | ] |
I want to cry so badly, but my eyelids serve as dams as I force them shut with such determination, afraid of what might come out.
Well my brother is gone, but having a lot of fun. He is missed. He is currently in Las Vegas, and the booker for the venue was so impressed by Red Wire Morning's show that he booked them for another show tomorrow night. I'm happy for him and the band =).
So I guess after nearly drinking himself to death, my dad is not drinking anymore, and is being uncharacteristically nice. He has done this so many times in the past, so now I am just waiting for him to relapse again. I know it sounds bad, but I guess it's better to expect the worst that way you won't be disappointed in the end. I have always fallen for his "new self" after sobering up, but now it kind of feels like it's too little, too late. He suddenly wants me to stay at his house longer, take a kickboxing class with him, and he is just overall not being the "Dad" I have become so accustomed to. I wish that I didn't feel this way, that I could be happy for his change, but I can't (the past prevents me from doing so). My mom has been weird lately, she is definitely not falling for his bullshit anymore. She seems mad that I am even going over to his house after what he did to her when she was just trying to help. I feel torn, like I am drowning, but there is no one to pull me from the water. With what went on last week with my dad, it brought up the past and all the shit he did in it. So I have been stressing about those things too. I know that I mentally blocked out some of the things, and other things I don't remember because I was just too young. I'm scared of the things that I blocked out, and what will happen when they are remebered and when they will be remebered. When I think about this, I think about the end of The Perks of Being a Wallflower, how he was reminded of what he had bloccked out. I don't know, I just don't even want to think about it anymore.
Yesterday, I did everything I could to not feel, to not think about what I was feeling because I knew what would come. First, the tears would come followed by depression, and I am done with that. I listened to a lot of music, and did homework. My dad did not see how I could do homework while listening to music, especially Red Wire Morning with Sean screaming. I tried to tell him that it helps me to focus. Doing homework helped me to think about anyhting but what was going on, so I finished an entire unit of advanced english in one day. I couldn't believe when I got an A on the test today because I did it in one day. That's the best grade I have gotten on an advanced english test, it's funny how things work. Of course, when it was time to go to bed I was forced to feel again, no matter how hard I tried no to.
My little dog, Lucy, also got tore up from the floor up by our other dog, Grace. sheesh what a bitch! No, it was sad though she got bit on her upper arm and began screaming really loud, but Grace wouldn't back off. She has a sad limp now :(.
Chris aka Slutz, offered to take me to acting classes out in Hollywood, which sounds really fun. I miss Slutz he is the only one that knows my poker face.
I have started reading The heart is Deceitful Above all Things, which is amazing thus far. I have to do a book report on it, which I don't mind because it is a good book.
Maybe I should start feeling what I feel inside. I wrote something a while ago that pertains to the PAST that I referred to so often in this entry, so maybe I will post it later.
sending love your way, Katy |
|
|
| it was the best of times, it was the worst of times |
[Mar. 30th, 2006|02:39 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Face Down -- The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus | ] |
Well the last several days have been pretty life affirming. My brother and I talked until really late at night last week about our dad. How he isn't there for us, and how it seems like he doesn't really care. We, actually mostly me, see him every Monday and Thursday for dinner and such and every other weekend. He never talks to us, nor listens when we actually do talk. He did some really bad things when we were younger and our parents were still married, so we haven't ever had the best of relationships. Him and I used to always fight about everything, and I would always come home sad. Our relationship has improved (not a lot of fighting), but after my brother mentioned it I realized how much he just really doesn't care. He is always cancelling on his days with us, which I would think with the very few days he gets to see us he would want to make the most of the days he does have with us. Most nights I go over there it consists of: "how was school?", eat, and I watch tv as he goes about his business on the computer. I do try to talk to him, but it's hard because he doesn't listen.
On Thursday of last week, he cancelled because he was too tired after being called into work at 2:30 AM after the computer system crashed. He cancelled on Friday for the same reason, and by this time I am thinking, "Why doesn't he want to spend time with me?" I nderstand that he's tired, but that is no excuse for not seeing me. On Saturday he cancels because he has to work. My mom and I were pretty skeptical, so she drove past his house. Low and behold his car was right on front of his place! Now I am really depressed because he would rather sit at home alone thatn spend time with his own daughter (the only daughter that still talks to him). I decide not to let him get away with his lie. I call his phone a couple of times, but he doesn't answer. Finally I decide to just leave him a message that sadi something along the lines of, "Hey Dad I just wanted to know if you were coming tonight. Personally, I think that you're sitting at home not answering this, but hey that's just me. Bye." I wasn't going to let him ruin my night, so I went out and had fun. I guess the message was all he needed to fess up because the next morning there was a message on the phone in which he said in a near crying voice, "I'm sorry about yesterday, I am just going through a bad time right now. I should be able to pick up the kids tomorrow. I love you all." It turns out that he had lied about all of his reasons for cancelling. So the next day he cancels again, which really makes us mad, confused, and worried. My mom went to go see him to see what was going on. She called me telling me that his girlfriend had broken up with him for no apparent reason, and that he had been drinking for the past four days. My brother and I just think that it's a little ridiculous that a 47 year old man can't deal with a breakup in a more mature way. My mom went to the store to get him some water and food then returned to see if she could help him. They talked for a long time. He hit on her, which thoroughly upset her. That night we all were worried about him, and thought that he may even try suicide. There was nothing that we could do though.
He didn't go to work on Monday. My mom went back over to talk to him, which she found out was a mistake because he began digging into her, trying to bring her down to his level. She called me crying to tell me what he said. That night we had quite a lengthy conversation about what he says shouldn't matter because she has a better relationship with me and Kev than he ever will. That she is our hero, not him. Who's name is tattooed on Kev's wrist, yours not his. She always tells me that I am the only person that can talk her down. I love that I can be that for her, that person she can always count on. It makes me happy because she is amazing. Back to Dad, he is still not going to work and staying home drinking. He needs someone to talk some sense into him. He needs to be more mature and confront his issues. He is in danger of being fired, he's not thinking of his responsibilities i.e. his children. He talks about how much he is going to miss CHase, his now ex-girlfriend's son. He actually was crying about it. It hurts that he is so distraught over him who he has known for a little over 2 years, and didn't even see that often because his girlfrien lived in Sacramento. He seriously knows more about Chase than he does about Kev and I. It hurts. Other things that he does hurt me too along with things that he has done. An example of which can be found in the song I am listening to right now.
Though he hurts me, I still go over to his house. I go because I don't want to lose any chance of a relationship with him because I know that he could be gone tomorrow. It's hard, but I know that I won't regret it in the end. My sister hasn't talked to him in about 7-8 years, and I think that she will come to regret that when he does die. I wish that he will listen to someone and shape up because he can't go on doing this.
On a happier note, I recently saw some really great films; Dot the i, Thumbsuker, and The Squid and the Whale (some parts were a little too close to home). I really want to see Thank You for Smoking. Obviously I love movies. |
|
|
| RAIN!! |
[Feb. 27th, 2006|06:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  artistic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the rain | ] |
Yay it is raining!! Only a little bit. I want it to rain more, harder. Over the summer, I really experienced how much fun it is to get soaked in the rain. Granted, I was trying to save a dog from getting hit by a car, but it felt amazing to not worry about getting wet, to just let it happen.
I ♥ the rain and hope that it continues.
I went to the Getty over the weekend. It was amazing. Such a beautiful place, filled with beautiful art. It had great views, but of course I forgot my camera at home. I definitely want to go back, with a camera this time. It was great to see all the paintings and photographs that I have seen pictures of in person. One artist that I particularly liked was a photographer, Robert Adams. In his exhibition he focused on how the urban world is taking over the natural. I love how you could just stand in front of one photograph or painting as the minutes go by, and notice something new with every minute. Well, I definitely have to go back. |
|
|
| I like sitting and listening to the sound of my heart skip a beat |
[Feb. 15th, 2006|11:11 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  flirty | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Grand Theft Autumn - - Fall Out Boy | ] |
You are the letters I scrawl in my journal
the words only met for You
every i that I dot and t that I cross is done for You
You are what I longed for in entries of old,
the only thing missing in entries of late
I've waited for You, my writing is proof
my pen asks the question,
my heart waits for your answer |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 12th, 2006|02:20 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sleepy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Coheed and Cambria - - The Suffering | ] |
I was feeling so weird today, I would feel real happy and hopeful, then sad and depressed. It was too weird. I didn't feel better until I came home and wrote it out. That usually seems to do the trick. I figured out what was truly bothering me, I just felt so hopeless and alone.
I messaged some people from the good old days on myspace, people I miss, but have unfortunately lost touch with.
I always seem to lose track of time and get to be too late. I can't help it.
So good night to all :)
<3 Katy |
|
|
| ouch!! |
[Feb. 10th, 2006|11:08 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | blank | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | red wire morning - welcome to the golden hills | ] |
Yesterday was a pretty painful day. I woke up and when I reached over to turn off my alarm I hit my eye on the corner of my sidetable. It hurt really bad, but I was still half asleep so I decided to go back to sleep. My eye still hurts. Later I had to go to the dentist to get a filling. The dentist said that he thought he could fill it using no anesthesia. So I let him. It was painful, but got worse, much worse, later in the day.
I'm really bored.
We're baby sitting my sister's bird, Napoleon while her boyfriend and she are in Las Vegas. My dog attacked him. Luckily we were able to save him. We promised to take good care of him, so let's not tell her.
My brother has become the booking agent for his friend's band, Red Wire Morning. Their album is coming out in March, I think, and he has planned out their whole tour. And I'm pretty sure that their going to be on the Warped Tour. Check them out: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=3138611 |
|
|
| utter randomness |
[Feb. 6th, 2006|08:52 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | bored | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Walking with a Ghost - - Tegan and Sara | ] |
Today I was like 45 minutes late to school b/c I couldn't find this damn disk to copy my research report on, so I had to go buy some new ones. I called my teacher, Dena, but I said I would only be 15 minutes late ooops! She wasn't mad when I finally got there, but I had to rush to finish my report and bibliography before the center closed. She called my report a book b/c it's so long. I can't help it I am extremely thorough, but don't know how to do any different. Sometimes it really bothers me, but I guess it all pays off in the end.
After school I barely made it to my allergy shots. They hurt really bad this time, and I don't know why. Yes, I'm allergic to like the whole outdoors and I have to get two shots twice a week. It sucks.
Went to Dad's watched music videos: Thursday, Armor For Sleep, Alkaline Trio, old AFI, old TBS, old Green Day from like 11 years ago, and much more. Came home and now I'm bored and soing this.
Tomorrow I have a big test for school, and have to be there from 1:30 to 5:15. Kinda nervous. Have to do the same on Wednesday, so there won't be any normal class that day.
Wow that sounds really boring! I have to start getting 6 units in every school month instead of four, so I need to start working harder. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
partofmetolove's journal